Life observed

18 Jun

I haven’t felt “right” for a little while now. Under the weather physically. And in my mind and heart too.

Not sure that I can articulate why (and why do we always need a “reason” anyway?). And so I find myself retreating – it seems easier than trying to explain that which I don’t understand.

These times – of discombobulation, of uncertainty and anxiety – are hard. I find myself retreating from “normal life”, struggling to do the simple things. The basics – like getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work – feel, each time, like a mountain that needs climbing, rather than the everyday habits of a 35 year old urban dweller.

I am not used to these sort of mountains, they scare me and I feel so ill-equipped. Life becomes a battle rather than a joy, an unknown rather than familiar.

And so it is, during the difficult days, that I feel like I am observing life rather than living it. I am watching others “live” whilst I just “get through”.

It is the strangest feeling.

As though life is passing me by, happening to others. While I am on the sidelines.

I am trying to learn how to respond. How to not simply “get through” but live – even when life feels hard.

How do we embrace uncertainty when we crave the feeling of being-in-control?

How do we find peace when anxiety is intent on crowding it out?

How do we enter into life – in all its fullness, ups and downs – and not stay stuck on the sidelines?

For the sidelines might feel safer, but they are – after all – not the main event.

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