Under the cloud

9 Nov

It’s been one of those weeks.

I saw the dark cloud approaching, hovering on the horizon, probably about ten days ago. I spotted it and I ignored it.

For some reason, I thought that denial might work – this time.

And as the cloud approached, I remained naively optimistic. It will be different this time. I can do this. I can win this battle.

I started feeling slightly disconnected – from those around me, from conversations, from life. And I still carried on thinking I would be ok.

Then. Then – the crash. Unable to get out of bed. Unable to answer my phone. Unable to connect – with anyone, anything.

The cloud had enveloped me. I could no longer deny its presence. I could not fight, I had no resources or strength. Nothing.

I felt so sad. Overwhelmed by disappointment. A sense of loss. A sadness at the world we live in, at the suffering of those I love. A sadness and a questioning – of the path I am on, the world I occupy.

I could no longer see, enveloped by blackness. Bleakness.

I have been under the cloud before. And it is horrible. Awful. It is lonely, isolating, enveloping, all-consuming.

No-one should ever have to live under the cloud.

And today? Today, the cloud is still there but there are some rays of light too.

So please don’t worry. I write these words not to alarm anyone, but in the pursuit of honesty and truth. Of vulnerability.

For I spend many years pretending I was strong. And I am not.

I cannot do this on my own.

And I cannot pretend anymore. It’s been one of those weeks.

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4 Responses to “Under the cloud”

  1. carolef 09/11/2012 at 12:12 #

    Hang on in there. Morning will come xx

  2. Nic 09/11/2012 at 13:00 #

    Lots of love, Becca. It’s a gift to be sensitive to and moved by the struggles of those around you, but it comes at a high personal cost. Sending you a quick PM xx

  3. Steph Johnston 09/11/2012 at 14:29 #

    I too have been under, what can only be described as, the cloud this week too!!! Thanks for making me feel less alone xx

  4. Debra Atteberry 10/11/2012 at 06:27 #

    praying now for you…may He be the lifter of your chin and may more light invade the darkness

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