I must have started writing this blog post one hundred times.
I’ve stood in the shower, snatching a few child-free moments, ignored the banging on the door and briefly contemplated life outside of mum duties. Those child-free moments do not last long. Life is, it seems, one long interruption.
(I’m now writing this slowly with one hand, whilst feeding my four month old daughter. Anyway. I digress. As do the thoughts of this sleep-challenged mum.)
My recent shower thoughts (and never-written blog posts) have comprised:
- Donald Trump vs. Jacob Zuma: who’s worse?
- Donald Trump vs. Theresa May: who’s worse?
- Fees-must-fall protests across universities in South Africa
- Our upcoming holiday
- Being a rich white in South Africa
- Guilt about being a rich white in South Africa
- Self-justification linked to being a rich white in South Africa
- Bringing up children in a vastly unequal South Africa
- Marie Kondo and the joy of less
- Where have I put my hairdryer? (Haven’t seen it for months)
- Can you die of sleep deprivation?
- Oh no. Is that a crying baby/toddler?
It may be apparent that my capacity for deep thinking is not what it used to be. In fact, I am finding it really, really difficult to write this (not-very-complex) blog post.
I used to think that motherhood doesn’t have to change you much.
I guess that the essence of who-I-am remains. But it’s all the other stuff that has changed:
- Priorities (keeping two little girls alive, trying not to mess them up, remembering to talk to my husband, sleep)
- Capacity for conversation about important-and-grown-up-things (like natural disasters and the state of the economy) has been superseded by a different conversation about grown-up-and-important-things (nappies, schools, paw patrol)
- Social skills (talking to a friend whilst opening a pot of yoghurt/changing a nappy/pushing a swing/talking to a toddler at the same time)
- Marriage (it’s no longer “just us”, in fact it’s mostly “hardly-us-at-all-right-now”)
- Spending (nappies, swimming lessons, nappies, baby chinos, nappies)
- Shower thoughts (I’m no longer trying to save the world)
It’s hard to “take stock” during this baby/toddler phase. I don’t feel like I have much to say, much blog-post wisdom. I don’t have time to sit and think about what I want to write about next. I don’t have the luxury of being a “world changer” (just a nappy changer).
So I am not really sure why I am reviving the blog. Except I know that, in some small way, it helps me. Helps me to reach out beyond the daily (and sometimes mind-numbing) tasks of motherhood-with-a-small-baby-and-a-toddler-too.
I don’t know how often I will post. Or if I’ll ever say anything meaningful again. I still like writing though. That’s one thing that [I’m going now – my little girl has woken up…]